24 Hour Fitness

If you were just counting Orion and Scotty, we may have the most in-shape of all bands.

However, if you throw me into the mix you get a whiny putz with a hamstring injury that had been psyching me out for months.

During the period after my untimely soccer injury (during the holidays) I did not adjust my diet to accommodate the excess calories and lack of exercise. Quite the contrary. In fact, the popularity of our band may have directly contributed to my current obesity ... but that is just a price we pay for being invited to so many parties! And surely I can't be rude and refuse food and beer! As a matter of fact, I like to show just how overtly nice I am by eating and drinking (mostly drinking) everything in sight.

Fast forward a couple months and I am meandering down the street with my belly bouncing over my belt with each step - I am using one of those four pegged walkers with the tennis balls at the feet - which I had stolen from an old lady at the nearby Providence Hospital. My ass is hanging out of the back of my pants revealing a disheveled mass of butt-fur. I am a mess, I have diabetes, and plus in the past week my girlfriend, step-dad, and mom all (lovingly) squeezed that bit o' fat that has accumulated in a place most people might refer to it as "love handles."

I have a love belly too. Nevermind the sixpack, I am walking around with a full keg. Now that Oregon is considering increasing the beer tax by 1800% I figured it was high time I got a 24 hour fitness club membership to get rid of that excess keg, and hopefully save some money on taxes.

Actually, my girlfriend bought the membership and then told me I was going to pay for it.

But I digress ...

So I am slowly learning how to get back into the exercise program. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was a star athlete in high school. I mean, I played some soccer and scored a goal or two ... but I was admired more for my stamina than my actual skill. In fact, I was granted the 'energizer bunny' award multiple years in a row!

However, now I am a pathetic tub of lard. I have been slowly hitting up the 24 hour Fitness. A couple days a week. An hour at a time. The other day I wandered around for 10 minutes and couldn't find a single goddamned restroom so I messed my hair up like a cupid and pissed into the pool, hoping people would mistake me for a statue.

I would have gone tonight if I didn't contract this horrible cold that is clogging my lungs and making it hard to see through the tears welling up in my eyes. Furthermore, I can't even taste this wonderful Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer that is only continuing to contribute to my extreme obesity.

But I digress.

The real reason I came here to write this here post is because I was cruising around my hotmail inbox today and i got an offer from 24 Hour Fitness that I could not refuse. It was to start an account ... earn rewards points for exercising and finding information on their web site. Basically they are cleverly using social media technology ... they are joining the list of corporations creating expensive web sites designed to interact with people, provide a service, and get them to spend their valuable time searching their contents and perhaps spending money at their store. They are genius bastards. This is the type of work I wish I could be doing.

24 Hour Fitness PR Team/Advertising Agency, I know you are reading this blog ... I know I am just a number in some crazy analytics report ... we'll pretend it isn't spying if you hire me. How's that, kitten?

More exciting blogs about my exercise routine to come ... for now i shall drink myself to sleep ...

FENBI not FENDI

(AS ADAPTED FROM A MYSPACE POST - www.myspace.com/fenbi)

I am trying something new ... versus posting blogs here on myspace I am reactivating our blogspot account ... let me know your thoughts ... if this is just a painfully annoying step or what?

The reason I am doing it is because I want people to be able to find more out about Fenbi via keywords I throw into blog entries. Most entries have certain keywords like "music" and "Portland" combined in nearby sentences so that google bots and yahoo spiders pick them up and increase our rankings in their search engine.

I just discovered the brand 'Fendi' is spending I don't know how much money to put their ridiculous fucking purses higher up in the search rankings than our band. Seriously, try it. Google "Fenbi" and see what happens! Fucking Fendi! I had never heard of their stupid brand and now they are hijacking ours! Course, if they offered a large enough cash settlement to shut me up ... say enough to record our debut record ... I would wear their purses to every show for a year!

At any rate, I should really repost this on our blog because I recently discovered the bots and spiders don't search myspace so I am all but wasting my time.

CASE POINT:

I wrote something about Dave's Killer Bread the other day ... awesome stuff if you haven't tried it ... and he wrote me an email the next day saying thanks! This is the new era in which we live people. Aint it grand?

www.fenbiinternational.blogspot.com

Sasquatch Music Festival

Today I took a gander at the 2009 Sasquatch Music Festival roster and I nearly pissed me-self! What a hell-of-a-great line-up! The only thing missing-is-more-hyphens!

No! Just Kidding! The only thing missing is THE FENBI INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTARS!

Now, if any one is to blame for Fenbi not being as popular as Blitzen Trapper or The Shaky Hands or even the Builders and the Butchers it is probably me. I am the one that has been changing my ideas and thoughts about this recording process, versus just getting our album out there. We have a fantastic product ... the Fenbi brand has never been stronger ... we have people clamoring for our as-of-yet uncreated products ... and people from as far away as China are writing us letters of appreciation! (Side note, we only recently discovered "Fenbi" is the Chinese word for chalk and apparently if you get over 1 billion people some of them are going to be googling chalk)

At any rate Portland, Oregon's sweetheart darlings THE FENBI INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTARS are not going to be performing at the Sasquatch Festival 2009 and it is my fault and for that I apologize.

But check out this lineup:

Saturday, May 23th

Kings of Leon / Yeah Yeah Yeahs / The Decemberists / Animal Collective / Bon Iver / Devotchka / M. Ward / Doves / Sun Kil Moon / The Gaslight Anthem / King Khan & The Shrines / Ra Ra Riot / Shearwater / Passion Pit / Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band / Vince Mira / Blind Pilot / Owl City / Arthur & Yu / Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele / Death Vessel / Hockey / People's Republic of Komedy / James Pants / Todd Barry / Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

Sunday, May 24th

Jane's Addiction / Nine Inch Nails / TV On The Radio / The Murder City Devils / of Montreal / The Avett Brothers / Calexico / M83 / The Airborne Toxic Event / The Walkmen / The Wrens / St. Vincent / The Dodos / John Vanderslice / The Submarines / Viva Voce / The Builders And The Butchers / AA Bondy / Fences / Point Juncture, WA / The Red Wine Boys / Zach Galifianakis / Deadmau5 / Natalie Portman's Shaved Head / People's Republic of Komedy

Monday, May 25th

Ben Harper and Relentless7 / Erykah Badu / Silversun Pickups / Fleet Foxes / Gogol Bordello / Santigold / Grizzly Bear / Explosions In The Sky / Girl Talk / Blitzen Trapper / The Knux / Monotonix / Bishop Allen / Black Moth Super Rainbow / Beach House / Mugison / The Dutchess And The Duke / School Of Seven Bells / Horse Feathers / The Pica Beats / Loch Lomond / BLK JKS / Demetri Martin / God's Pottery / Chromeo / Tobacco / People's Republic of Komedy

Unfortunately my friends, the bands I want to see are spread out over all three days (coincidence, I think not) and I can't even afford to go to one day, let alone all three (thanks recession) ... but at least in Seattle I know there is the low cost alternative (free) Folklife Festival ... and while I am not going to go on a rant about how ridiculous it is that we aren't playing there (cause we are the NW preeminent world music band, after 3 Leg Torso apparently) - I will say that I ... lost my train of thought ... shite!

President Obama's Address to the Nation

I decided that I am going to do a step by step blogging account of President Obama's first address to the nation. I sure as hell better ... because I was the guy pulling for the man ever since I heard him speak at the democratic national convention.

So far I am finding it very difficult to type while trying to listen.

So ... here it goes ...

Ahem ...

Clapping ensues....

So far Brian Williams is just bragging about his private lunch with the Jesus ... err I mean the President ...

The chief justices are walking in ...

Beer supply is down to 60% ... might be a problem ... more details to come ...

First lady just walked in ... she is awesome ...

They're talking about Gary Locke ... he is my dawg ...

So far I am sooooooo happy not to see George Bush or Dick-wad-Cheney ...

Hillary Clinton just appeared to have been kissed by Rolan Burris, my sources cannot confirm or deny ...

... so far it is boring and my beer supply is down to 53%.

... I might as well explain my beer supply at this point. I just have two cans. One is almost gone.

... still waiting for Obama ... seen one too many republican faces.

"Madam Speaker"

"The president of the United States"

(lots of clapping)

I haven't seen this much clap since the last Fenbi tour!

So far Obama is looking good. Even republicans are crawling over themselves to kiss his cheek. I think I see Rolan Burris again. Smiling and happy.

I'm wondering who those two old white guys are who are escorting him?

Beer supply down to 50%.

Eye hasn't stopped twitching.

Speaker Pelosi looks hot from this angle.

Beer supply down to 48%.

Her clapping style isn't very hot.

Obama getting ready to talk ...

Obama interrupts Pelosi by accident.

Kinda funny.

It's ok because he's not Stupid George W. Bush.

Can we talk about what they are wearing ... or is that only for the Oscars?

He mentions Michelle Obama and everyone is going nuts ... so far he hasn't really said anything ...

... he has come here to speak frankly to all Americans

... giving details of the recession ... personal stories ...

... says "We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before."

I am noting to myself, the weird things I do when my girlfriend is out of town ...

"It's time to take responsibility for our future once more."

He's now talking about how to pull ourselves out of this mess ... talking about how we import more oil than ever before ... our healthcare is a mess ... and we can't stop piling up debt ... an era where short term gains are more important than the long term .. "

It's hard to keep up.

But what I can say is that he is saying everything I want to hear.

Beer supply down to 45%.

But in a nutshell ... he is talking about actually looking at the long term instead of short term gains ...

... it's about time ...

People are clapping because the American Economic Recovery Act is now law ... republicans still deuche bags ...

The stimulus money is going to broadband, mass transit, and teachers ... not bad. Tax credits for parents sending kids to college ...

Obama is talking about skepticism ... camera cuts to Joke McCain ...

"Nobody Messes With Joe"

He gets standing ovation ... I dig.

Mentions recovery.gov ... where American's can go to see where each dollar goes ...

Talking about the credit crisis ... hopefully he says he is going to annihilate credit card companies that engage in predatory lending ...

... he's talking about how people are afraid to loan and credit has dried up ... is going to restart lending by:

1. Creating new lending fund to help car loans, new business loans, home loans ... oh my!

2. Launched a housing plan that will help responsible families to lower interest rates ... the average family can save nearly $2,000 per year

3. Act with the full force of the federal govt to ensure the major banks have enough confidence to make loans ... and if a bank threatens to fail, the govt will hold those at the top accountable

.... still nothing about rewriting predatory credit card laws ... course maybe that's just me?

beer supply down to 35%

"CEO's wont be able to use taxpayer money to pad their payrolls or disappear on a private jet ...."

... he's still trying to beat it in people's heads that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ...

Obama is such a breath of fresh air ... he is not lying ... he is not saying stupid shit ... he is being honest and open!

God damnit, it is great to be an American once again!

"It's not about helping banks, it's about helping people."

... I wish people would stop clapping ...

... beer supply down to 32%

Asking congress to reform our outdated regulatory system!!!!!!!

Hell yeah!!!!

Time to punish shortcuts and abuse!!!

Still trying to beat reality into the skull of "Joe the Plumber"

... camera pans to views of smug republicans ...

... he's making inferences to Lincoln, Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Kennedy, etc

Budget will invest in three areas:

1. Energy
2. Health Care
3. Prostitution ...

errr wait ... I mean ... Education!

In referencing the green industry "It is time for America to lead again"

Or was it ... LEED again? har har har

* This is starting to feel like a bad idea because I didn't realize how long his speech would be.

*** He asked congress to send him a bill putting a cap on carbon emissions and encourages green energy ... he is the ******* man!

-> On the auto industry ....

"We wont protect them from their own bad practices"

Amen!

"The nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it."

That is encouraging ... I like where he is going with that...

-> On healthcare ...

"By the end of the year it could cause 1.5 million americans to lose their homes"

No sh** mang ... I am 27 and have never had health coverage

"We can't afford to put healthcare reform on hold"

He claims to have done more for healthcare in 30 days, then had been done in the past decade ... true that.

Beer supply down to 20%

There he goes ... he said the budget invests in healthcare reform that encourages prevention!!! Like I said before ... an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Mentioned Teddy Roosevelt tried to start healthcare reform a hundred years ago ... said it wont wait another week ... plans to work on it next week ...

on the third promise ... we are going to expand on education ...

3/4 of the fastest growing professionals require more than a high school diploma ... half of Americans don't have a degree ... half of Americans don't graduate college ... I'm sorta jealous of kids who are 14 years old right about now ...

Claims to have already made college affordable to 7 million more Americans

"Dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It's not just quitting on yourself, it's quitting on your country!"

* By 2020 America will have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world

He knows the price of tuition is higher than ever ... if people volunteer a year of their time he asks congress to send him a bi-partisan piece of legislation bearing the name's of Orin Hatch and Edward Kennedy that will help people pay for college

I guess ...

... I didn't really get that one

Beer supply down to 10%

... he encourages better parenting ...

"Responsibility for our children begins at home"

"We'll eliminate the no-bid contracts that have wasted billions in Iraq"

"We will finally end the tax breaks for corporations that send our jobs overseas"

"We will end the tax breaks for the wealthiest 2% Americans. If your family earns less than 250,000 per year you will not see your taxes increased a SINGLE dime, Bitch!"

I added the bitch!

The recovery plan includes a tax CUT for 95% of working families.

Beer supply down to 5%

"For 7 years we have been a nation at war, mo longer will we hide its price."

He just said the military has our unyielding support ... loud applause.

Beer supply: .00000001%

He plans to raise the pay, and give our veterans expanded healthcare ... how is he going to balance the budget again?

"Living our values makes us safer and stronger"

"The United State of America does not torture, we can make that commitment here tonight."

Jesus - was the past 8 years a bad dream?

I just checked my bank balance ... alllllright

Sorry ... I went to pee and never made it back to my computer because I lazed out on the couch ...

I'm eating some more of Dave's Killer Bread ...

Admiring our country, our president, and thinking about going to the gym ...

Dave's Killer Bread

If you haven't tried Dave's Killer Bread yet, you are a German bag! A deutsche bag, as we say in the industry. It's a world music thing.

Anyway - here is how we know it is great fantastic bread. Last night my gal and I were bored and lazing around the house. Usually this is when I make a run to Plaid Pantry nearby to pick up some candy or beer (for myself). But on this occasion it was agreed upon that we would forgo the candy and go straight to the DAVE'S KILLER BREAD! Jesus Christ, if that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

I have waited so long to try this bread. I had taken many a gander on every visit to Fred Meyer ... but I couldn't get over that $5.25 price tag. That is a shite load for bread ... especially for someone who has been underemployed since last July.

However, I beat up a bunch of squares downtown last night and stole all their money and went to Freddy's to buy some bread!

Juuuuust kidding. That is what the OLD Dave would have done, and he's learned enough lessons for all of us!

If you check out his web site there is this gnarly recreation of his life of old ... his meth dealings and the way he used to beat people senseless for drugs and money. Usually that kind of thing turns me off when I think about potential bread suppliers ... but then I thought how he was mostly beating up other drug dealers so I got over it quickly.

But the guy has a great life story ... and he makes great bread. It's healthy, full of omega 3's and seed and whole wheat germs and all that hippie dippy shite that adds years to your life.

Course, I say that as I am pounding down the Rolling Rock - straight outta old Latrobe! The worst beer in the world except for when it is on sale.

In conclusion, I hope that in the very least the people tracking Dave's Killer Bread and Rolling Rock ... the kids working at some far off PR agency ... can at least enjoy my meanderings and perhaps hunger ... HUNGER for the stuff. The stuff being Fenbi. Seriously, check us out ...

The Poles of Ireland

I was in the shower this morning. It was a morning unlike most others. I was able to sleep in without my mother calling me to ask if I can help her out with a run to the antique mall. In fact, nobody has called me today. It is almost one in the afternoon, and like yesterday, the thought to grab something to eat hasn't even crossed my mind yet. This is often the case for a guy like me.

In the shower this morning I was thinking about the racial tensions between the Poles and the Irish in Ireland. I had just read this article in the Seattle Times about this fugitive Pole who all the Irish police had been looking for. Apparently there was this horrible driver that kept getting pulled over - all over the country from Waterford to Mayo - and it turned out his name was just the Polish word for 'Drivers License.' So it turned out there were many, many Poles getting pulled over for bad driving and when they gave their name - they were just saying "drivers license" in Polish. It sounds kinda weird ... like maybe the Irish need to get more information when they pull someone over, but who am I to judge another culture?

Anyway, in the shower this morning I was trying to create a commercial in my head that could be broadcast worldwide that would demonstrate how much better equipped America is to handle the influx of immigrants and different cultures - no matter what your background.

It was sorta stealing the VISA commercial idea ... where they are like "Pearl necklace $500, Rusty Trombone $37, dirty sanchez $7 - spending your honeymoon in Vegas - priceless." You know that one?

Well, there I was in the shower - and I had already come up with the punch line so I was trying to figure out ideas to support it ... like a bunch of Germans playing accordions showing to an English high noon tea party .... or a bunch of Poles trying to have a Polish wedding in an Irish pub ... and it would cut to the punch line of "Being able to express your cultural identity without getting shot in the face - priceless." And it would be this add for America ... the film would cut to sweeping landscapes or something like that and a voice would come over and say "America - the world's melting pot." It would be an immigration video or something ... or maybe just a PR piece?

And so I was thinking about all this stuff in the shower ... but then I remembered my own experience with Poles in Ireland, and I became quite irate. All of a sudden I didn't want to defend their cultural sensibilities anymore because I was remembering my WORST hostel experience in Dublin, and how it went something like this ...

So there I was in Dublin. I had been there for a couple days and flying out to Europe had been so stressful and so sleep depriving that I had developed a cold core on my lip (they always come about when I am stressed out and sleep deprived.) So far, three days into my stay in Dublin my trip had been a disaster. I was hoping to meet Irish ladies ... hang out with Irish dudes - see all the sights and sounds and make great lifelong Irish friends. But I was so self conscious that I had become the weirdo getting drunk in the corner by myself ... wandering from bar to bar to bar with notepad in hand - writing about my feelings like some beatnik retard American. Afraid to talk to anyone because I was so self conscious.

I was all set to leave Dublin for Kilkenny, when I met this French gal named Marion who didn't seem to care whether or not I had a cold sore on my face. She was super nice and sorta pretty and we spent an entire day running around to free museums and the like - so I decided that I would stay an extra two nights in Dublin versus leaving that night. I was able to extend my stay in my hostel for one night, but the following night was Friday and it was all booked up. So Marion and I walked all over Dublin trying to find a hostel I could stay in the following night. I was rejected by one after another.

Finally we came across a hostel ... a little storefront off the beaten path ... and it was run by a POLISH lady. I asked if she had a bed for the FOLLOWING NIGHT and she was all "Yes, yes, of course - we have great room for you." She asked that I pay her in advance and we left with a feeling of accomplishment.

However, at that point Marion and I had some weird cultural miscommunications going on and I was becoming increasingly irritated at trying to interpret her broken English through her thick French accent. We ended up parting ways with no real interest in meeting up again later.

The next day, wandering around alone again, I stumbled across the 100 year anniversary party of the Irish political party, Sinn Fein. There was a large crowd gathered - I believe it was even in front of the post office where during the Easter Rising of 1916 so many brave men gave their lives in defiance of the British rule. I saw bands perform, and the great Gerry Adams gave a speech in both the native Irish language and the imperialist English that I have grown to love.

Throughout the entire event there was this pungent man standing next to me smelling of many sharp colognes, who kept making observations and taking pictures and sharing them with me. He was shorter than myself and was obviously not Irish. I thought he was from Eastern Europe but it turned out he was Israeli. We chatted for awhile after the event was over and he invited me to go out to eat at some Chinese restaurant called Charlies. It was there he told me about his lavish gay lifestyle and how he was the lead shoe buyer for a major shoe company. We talked about life, love, the pursuit of happiness and afterwords he invited me to his hotel.

In retrospect the invitation was probably harmless but my gaydar was on full red alert and I was afraid of being taken advantage of krav maga style.

We parted ways and I gathered my things and headed to the POLISH hostel for a night of rest and relaxation. I showed up at the door, where the woman was standing in the foyer smoking a cigarette under an orange glow cast by a beaten street light.

"Where have you been?" She looked at me like a cunning serpent ready to strike an unsuspecting mouse.

To make matters worse, I misinterpreted the question. I thought it was like "Hey bro, what have you been up to since the last time I saw you" so I shared all my adventures with her until she cut me off.

"You were not in room last night" she said looking away, taking another drag from her cigarette.

"Oh, well actually I had paid for tonight," I said - fully aware that every other hostel in town had been booked already and if she was booked I would have nowhere to stay.

"Silence! No, you have not paid for tonight! I have note say you pay last night, you have not pay tonight."

Staring off into space she sucked the life out of her dying cigarette.

At this point I set my guitar down and tried to turn on some of my charm. "Well, I think there was a misunderstanding. You see, I came specifically to you last night knowing that all other hostels would be booked up tonight, and I made a reservation for today for that reason." After the words spilled from my mouth I thought about how bad it had just sounded.

"That is not what my note say," she said matter of factly.

It was starting to rain.

"Well, ok then. Do you have any rooms for tonight" I asked, fighting back the anger.

She tossed her cigarette out into the street and looking down on me she smiled like the wicked bitch that she was, and turned around into the building. "Let us see."

We walked into the hostel and I booked another room.

"You do know it is five Euro extra for weekend night?"

"Yeah, whatever, I don't care."

She took advantage of the fact that I was exhausted. My body had that feeling that comes after wearing the same clothes for days in a row. Some people can describe such muckiness as a case of 'swamp ass.' My legs were chaffing from the friction ensued by walking many, many miles. After paying a ridiculous amount for my bunk I went into my room and threw my backpack down onto a weak Chinese made bed frame that appeared stressed to the max from the weight.

"At least the sheets appear to have been washed" I said to myself.

I changed down to my underwear and walked into the shower room. The place was filthy ... I had to walk through a layer of mud created by the bottoms of other people's shoes mixing with the moisture from the shower. Once in the shower there was no way to turn it on without getting that initial blast of cold water. I extended my body as far away from the nozzle and pushed the button for the water. You had to keep your finger pressure on the button to get any water to come out. What's more, the water never got any warmer - it was just ice cold water.

At this point I was shivering ... knowing that I probably wouldn't feel warm again for at least 24 hours ... ice cold from the inescapable spray ... feeling dirty and grimy and disgusting ... I dove head first into the stream and took the coldest shower of my life in the most ungodly expensive hostel I have ever paid for - brought to me in part by the beautiful Polish immigrants who apparently, are pissing off all the Irish of Ireland.

fin