24 Hour Fitness

If you were just counting Orion and Scotty, we may have the most in-shape of all bands.

However, if you throw me into the mix you get a whiny putz with a hamstring injury that had been psyching me out for months.

During the period after my untimely soccer injury (during the holidays) I did not adjust my diet to accommodate the excess calories and lack of exercise. Quite the contrary. In fact, the popularity of our band may have directly contributed to my current obesity ... but that is just a price we pay for being invited to so many parties! And surely I can't be rude and refuse food and beer! As a matter of fact, I like to show just how overtly nice I am by eating and drinking (mostly drinking) everything in sight.

Fast forward a couple months and I am meandering down the street with my belly bouncing over my belt with each step - I am using one of those four pegged walkers with the tennis balls at the feet - which I had stolen from an old lady at the nearby Providence Hospital. My ass is hanging out of the back of my pants revealing a disheveled mass of butt-fur. I am a mess, I have diabetes, and plus in the past week my girlfriend, step-dad, and mom all (lovingly) squeezed that bit o' fat that has accumulated in a place most people might refer to it as "love handles."

I have a love belly too. Nevermind the sixpack, I am walking around with a full keg. Now that Oregon is considering increasing the beer tax by 1800% I figured it was high time I got a 24 hour fitness club membership to get rid of that excess keg, and hopefully save some money on taxes.

Actually, my girlfriend bought the membership and then told me I was going to pay for it.

But I digress ...

So I am slowly learning how to get back into the exercise program. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was a star athlete in high school. I mean, I played some soccer and scored a goal or two ... but I was admired more for my stamina than my actual skill. In fact, I was granted the 'energizer bunny' award multiple years in a row!

However, now I am a pathetic tub of lard. I have been slowly hitting up the 24 hour Fitness. A couple days a week. An hour at a time. The other day I wandered around for 10 minutes and couldn't find a single goddamned restroom so I messed my hair up like a cupid and pissed into the pool, hoping people would mistake me for a statue.

I would have gone tonight if I didn't contract this horrible cold that is clogging my lungs and making it hard to see through the tears welling up in my eyes. Furthermore, I can't even taste this wonderful Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer that is only continuing to contribute to my extreme obesity.

But I digress.

The real reason I came here to write this here post is because I was cruising around my hotmail inbox today and i got an offer from 24 Hour Fitness that I could not refuse. It was to start an account ... earn rewards points for exercising and finding information on their web site. Basically they are cleverly using social media technology ... they are joining the list of corporations creating expensive web sites designed to interact with people, provide a service, and get them to spend their valuable time searching their contents and perhaps spending money at their store. They are genius bastards. This is the type of work I wish I could be doing.

24 Hour Fitness PR Team/Advertising Agency, I know you are reading this blog ... I know I am just a number in some crazy analytics report ... we'll pretend it isn't spying if you hire me. How's that, kitten?

More exciting blogs about my exercise routine to come ... for now i shall drink myself to sleep ...